As comfortable and happy as I thought I was in my little suburbian bubble, there was always something stopping me from being as happy as I knew I could be…self-criticism. You know that little voice that tells you you’re not good enough – a good enough mother, a good enough wife, a good enough cook, a good enough (fill in the blank)? Yeah, it was always louder than the other voices in my head that said I was strong, confident, and that I was really making a difference in this world. For me, the voice in my head was always super-critical about my body.
Walking by the mirror I would hear, “Ugh. Why are you letting yourself have this huge gut?” meanwhile sticking it out as far as it could go. And then I’d walk away feeling crappy only to catch myself taking a peek the next time I walked by my full length mirror. My eyes would scan down my body and think, “Eww, just look at that cellulite on your thighs. That’s so disgusting.” Why didn’t I just move that darn thing? I knew I wanted to change, but I honestly didn’t think it was possible, and I certainly didn’t know how I would change my body since I already went to the gym 3 hours a week, and I also loved to run, bike and participate in races. I was no slacker, ladies and gentlemen.
Becoming fed up with the voice that kept taking up space in my brain, I decided to do something very different for me. I decided to give up control. Yup. This type-A girl who thrives on control said, “I’m done.” I needed to ask for help. Not from friends or family, but from the one who knows me best. Since I’m a huge believe in prayer, I finally prayed for God to help me. I wanted to completely turn over my body image to Him. I didn’t want to worry about it anymore. I didn’t want to constantly wonder what it would feel like to actually like parts of my body. I didn’t want to scan any more articles about how to “get the body you’ve always wanted”. I just wanted it all to go away and be happy with myself. I prayed that He would take away my negative feelings so I could focus on more important things in life and be able to hear His voice more than the negative voice I was so used to hearing. I chose to pray every time a negative thought came into my head about my body. If He made me the way I’m supposed to be, then I prayed I would see myself as He sees me. For almost an entire year I prayed these prayers. Every. Single. Day. I had to be patient. It was a constant struggle. But I was confident I would find the solace I was looking for.
I had no idea what He had in store for me.
Continue to read part 2 here.